So today I was browsing the rugby blogosphere and fell upon a particular blog post. Chasing Down Life is blogging about her devastating ACL injury (this is her 2nd ACL injury). Upon reading her last few posts over the last week, I almost welled up in tears at work.
I’ve been there. The utter disappointment, rage, torture, more disappointment, realizations…thoughts…sprials…its more than the pain of the surgery and the injury…its everything else that is devastating. Anyone who has been there knows what it feels like…
Her post made me think about my physical and mental being during the recovery of my ACL injury…and lets just say it wasn’t pretty. I tore my ACL on September 24, 2005 and had surgery a exactly a month later (I had severe bone bruising…basically I had tiny fractures in my bones). I too, did not tear anything but the ACL, no meniscus, PCL, LCL or whatever. The surgery was easy enough, I had plenty of pain at night and took plenty of pain medication. I guess I was lucky in most respects, but my frustration came from never really being injured. Sure I had sprained an ankle, tweaked a hamstring…but had never been down and out for more than a month.
I had never really faced myself in the throes of depression and injury. I continued to attend rugby practice every Tuesday and Thursday night and helped with the team where I could. The nights were the worst as I had terrible dreams of tearing my ACL again, dreams of never being able to walk normally and dreams of never playing rugby again. I am a tough girl, but my mind was trying to betray me in my sleep.
In the end I made a full recovery and played my first rugby game about 4 months after surgery (I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS!). The reality of it was that I couldn’t be kept off the pitch…at 3 months, the most critical time of the healing process, I was at practice playing touch rugby. If I had stayed away from rugby during my recovery process, I really think that my mind might have won. The depression, rage, frustration…it might have taken me over.
As I write that statement, I am angry that I sound weak…or that I would have given in. But unless you have been there…you wouldn’t know.
Stay strong Chasing Down Life and don’t let it beat you!
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Thanks for the support Wendy! I am def doing better mentally now, just had to get over the initial blow. Luckily the knee doesn’t feel that bad this time, so I am still able to get out and do things.
Glad to hear you knee is fine now. I recommend keeping it that way, but you can’t think about it to much. Gotta live life and do the things that make you feel alive.
Hannah